"The object isn't to make art,
it's to be in that wonderful state
which makes art inevitable."

- Robert Henri

Here's a confession - I often wonder what it is like to be a full-time photographer. It's a question that's been at the back of my mind ever since I picked up the first digital camera when I was in university. Until today, I still grapple with this question. What does it mean to be a photographer?

Yes, I enjoyed taking photos, whether it was with a camera, or a smartphone camera.

I enjoyed the time spent tweaking the images during post-processing (more familiar with PSP than LR).

I enjoyed sharing my photos on social media - and friends have been so kind with their encouraging feedback.

I've participated in some group photography exhibitions for amateurs, enthusiasts and professionals alike in the past.

Yes, I did put the word “photographer” as a description on my website - but yet, I have not quite come around to introduce myself as a "photographer" when I meet people. It always feels like an identity which weight I'm somewhat not qualified to carry. I have deep respect for the profession, but at the same time, I would also love to be part of this circle.

I could be pedantic, of course, and call myself an enthusiast if the occasion calls for it. I believe that belonging in a community with people like me, will make me more of a photographer. But that's not always the case, as I later found out. There will be days when you feel like you are a part of the cool kids, but more often than not, you're just internally struggling with unfiltered imposter syndrome among photographers who talk gears for days. And let’s not forget that one guy who can do a mental calculation of crop factors at a snap of the finger (which is actually quite impressive).

I used to have this idea of becoming a photojournalist. At least, that's my go-to answer for the much beloved thought experiment question: "what would you do if money were no object?"

Since I enjoy writing and I also love taking photographs for as long as I can remember; photojournalism sounds like a no-brainer kind of career prospect. But that's just wishful thinking. I'm too deep into my current career path to veer off. Or is it?

That said, I am truly fortunate to be presented with the opportunity to collaborate with Exposure+ Photo and Sony Malaysia through the Sony Alpha Mentorship program (together with Nana Safiana, a talented photographer and a cool surfer!). This program entails a long-term, lens-based documentary projects with Sony Alpha cameras and G Master lenses. Since we already own a Sony A7IV since last September (Andrew and I had always wanted a hybrid, full frame camera for our future film and photography projects), so this program came in perfect timing to motivate me to not only go out and shoot more often, but to actually produce a visual documentary at the end of the program. After Grey Scale, I’ve been asked if I am working on my next film documentary. So, I suppose this is a good in-between project before I set out to make another film.

Coming back to my “existential” question about whether I am a photographer - I think it all came around tonight when I had a catch-up session with the mentors, Nadirah Zakariya and Steven Lee of Exposure+ Photo. I mustered up the courage to admit that I didn’t know whether I am a photographer or not and whether I am the right person for this program. I knew that there are some expectations to be met and I didn’t want to disappoint. Both of them have been very kind and nurturing in the way they responded, which helped me recalibrate the way I think about what it means to be a photographer. They’ve helped me see that it is all about being a storyteller and using photography as a medium to tell our stories. And by extension, the camera as the tool. This perspective totally inverted the way I think about photography: “being” over “what”.

Who are you, and what you use.

Who am I? I am a writer, a researcher.

What do I use? The camera.

How do I put it together? Visual and words.

And something just clicked when I think about it that way. I began to understand that it is more about how I see the world, less about what I identify myself as. While self-introduction is practical in the context of a social event, I think I was too fixated on getting it right, so much so that I forget to take a step back to see the bigger picture. I can still continue to introduce myself as a researcher, and that doesn’t make me less of a photographer.

I am glad that Exposure+ Photo and Sony Malaysia aren’t expecting me to talk gears, but they are more interested about the process behind creating the photo documentary, and for me to present a peek from behind the scenes, the field notes. To be honest, after having this chat, I felt a renewed sense of excitement for this project. My biggest takeaway from this would be never to lose the sense of wonder. Cliche as it may sound, I have come to appreciate the need to hold on to that, and not let the weight and skepticism of the world mar the way we see life. Visual art has a magical way to frame life in its bittersweet, often ephemeral moments. Just like film, it has the ability to suspend the viewers from their realities for a moment, to pay their attention to a story that speaks out to them. I am recognizing that it is a privilege to narrate such stories and share them with the world.

This is the crux of recalibrating myself in this phase of life: that is to look outward and not to be too internally consumed with ourselves. We’re made out of experiences, relationships and the people we meet in our lives, all which shapes us to be who we are. With that, I can only hope to not just become a photographer, or a researcher, or anything at all, but a better person at the end of the day.

Who's behind the lens?

ENVIRONMENTALIST | URBANIST